New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
