everyone is single if you try hard enough
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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