just come out here and I will go home with you...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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