i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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