dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
