when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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