Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
