Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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