thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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