they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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