Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
