So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
