Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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