if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
