I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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