Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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