i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
