You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
