i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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