All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
