the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
