Betty ford says i'm here all night
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
