oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
