I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
