I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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