My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
