if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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