I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
