Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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