The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
