dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
