I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
