I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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