it wasn't lemon gatorade
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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