I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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