I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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