Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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