I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
