JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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