by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
