He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
