My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
