Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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