took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
