It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
