I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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