I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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