He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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