you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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