If i come over, it means nothing
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
