Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
