i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
