guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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