so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
