why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
