Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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