I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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