I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
