can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
